January brings resolutions. Resolutions basically mean weight loss (or quitting smoking which means next year’s resolution becomes weight loss). All these resolutions and all these fatties. Maybe you just don’t have the right incentives. Sure: live longer, sweat less, et cetera. BORING.
The longer life comes at the tail end of my life when my body is in inevitable decline. That comes in step with senility and adult diapers. Sweat less? No one wants that: deodorants makers have money riding on you being sweaty and smelly. Look at all of the songs (eg. “Gonna Make You Sweat”) devoted to there being more sweating. Welcome Back Kotter had the beloved Sweathogs. Do you think that show would have kept going if it had been Gabe Kaplan and five immaculate dry young lads? Maybe I’ve digressed.
Here are five reasons to lose weight in 2012 that may get your motor going.
Use Spare Material to Make Barbie Clothes
Weight loss implies a new wardrobe. When you lose all that weight don't toss the old clothes: tailor them. Cut them to fit then use the excess to make Barbie clothes. Keep that Barbie clad in your doppleganger outfit as a celebration of your lessitude. You can walk around proudly sporting it as a plastic mini-me.
Wear Old Fat Clothes and Go Shoplifting
If you don't want to cut down your old clothes, keep 'em. Fit them with internal pockets and go out shoplifting. Gypsies use this approach to shoplift. You’ve never anything so majestic and wonderous as a skinny elderly woman in fat clothes waddling out of a store with a microwave between her knees. Hey, I don't condone shoplifting, I'm just trying to give you something to look forward to-- a way to make some spare cash, not that you’ll need it (see below).
Fly Coach in Comfort
It's a sad truth: I'm too fat to fly. But it’s worse than that-- I’m not being turned down for a seat, I’m just being sandwiched in. I could suck it in and hold my breath, but on a 90 minute flight that's asking a lot. When you lose weight, you can sit better in the cheap seats-- you’ll even be able to breath.
Save Time in the Shower
Scrubbing in the shower is all about surface coverage. If you're packing a lot of extra skin, that boils down to a lot of extra time in the shower. That also means a lot more soap and a lot more hot water. You’ll save time and money when you have less to scrub.
Make losing weight worth its while. When people give you a hard time bet them you can lose the weight. Collect a lot of wagers, see if you can get odds. Fueled with the incentive of not losing all that money you'll have to lose that weight, right? Given the above reasons, you’ll really need to lose the weight: you won’t be able to shoplift to raise the money; you won’t be able to take flight; and you won’t be saving any cash in the shower.