Total Recall, Totally Lame

I was intrigued by the cool looking remake of Total Recall. The original movie was cheesy. This new movie is much worse. That's a shame: the look of this movie is great. The cast is very strong, if they're given good material (ie. Colin Farrell: stop reading, watch In Bruges and come back).
The logic of the movie is amazingly sad.
Here are the movies it lends too heavily from:

  • I, Robot
  • Minority Report
  • Serenity
  • Fifth Element
  • Blade Runner

Here are the movies that do not seem to influence this movie:

  • Total Recall

The Toxic Earth

It's almost like the Total Recall wants to horn in on Joss Whedon's universe and put this movie between the brain hacking Dollhouse and the spent-Earth refugees of Firefly. The Earth is toxic from chemical warfare and there are two parts of the Earth untouched: The UK (with a chunklet of Northern Europe) and Australia.

  • What? No weather patterns? How is that the weather doesn't blow in toxic gas.
  • Somehow the UK gets off light, but a short subway ride away from downtown London and you're into toxic gas town.
  • The UK government is making throngs of robots to guard the public. Robots don't need to breathe right? Can't they patrol the wasteland and look for rebels?

The Fall

There is this man-made tunnel that runs from Australia (oops, "The Colony") and the UK (oops, "The United Federated Britain" or "UFB"). Cool. If you've wrecked the earth, you might as well hook the last to regions together with a 12,000 kilometer long tunnel. Right?

  • So this tunnel runs through the core? Isn't the core hot and filled with magma? When you make a big hole in the Earth and place the Earth's core under a planet's worth of pressure, doesn't the magma squeeze of those two holes? How is that good?
  • If the Fall is free falling at 1G then the occupants would be weightless from the beginning as they fell. Gravity would reduce gradually as the amount of mass in front of them decreased until it hit zero at the core. It would then increase gradually to 2Gs while it slowed the ship down to a stop on the other side.
  • People live in The Colony and work in the UFB. A 12,000 km commute. Wow. I thought that 60 miles was too far. Did I mention that the commute to work takes you through the hottest place imaginable?
  • The trip takes 17 minutes. I guess the commute really isn't that bad. It's basically an elevator. It drops through the Earth and the doo-dad in The Fall flips the passenger cabins. But at the end of the movie, Colin Farrell lands a helicopter in the top. This thing drops. When it arrived in The Colony, the helicopter port is at the top. How does that work?
  • To travel 8,000 miles in 17 minutes the Fall has to have an average speed of 28,235 mph. At those speeds the ship would have to be traveling in a vacuum or the Fall would burn up with the friction from the air.
  • When workers leave from that Colony in the morning and 17 minutes later emerge in the morning in the UK for a day of work. Did George W. Bush come back from the dead and screw with the time zones?
  • Let's guess that there are 100 million people living each of these super crowded enclaves. Many of them commute from the horrible Colony. Let's say 1 million of the Colony commutes (you know-- 1%)-- this dumbass Fall take 20 minutes to get there and 20 minutes to get back. Let's allow 10 minutes to load 50,000 people into this thing (why should the writers of Total Recall get to corner the market on stupid?). At one hour per round trip and 50,000 people per run then this thing can move 1.2 million people per day. Does that sound reasonable?

Cohaagen

Bryan Cranston is wasted on this role as the Chancellor of the UFB.

  • Why would the leader of half of the Earth go in to find the rebel leader himeself? It's like Barack Obama flying in to shoot Osama Bin Laden.
  • Why doesn't he have a bigger secret service force? I think he has one black robot.
  • Why does the leader of half of the Earth carry a knife?
  • Why did he go with his robotic invasion force invade Australia?
  • Why did he think that 50,000 robots who can't shoot could take on The Colony.

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